He is Risen

Easter is my favorite holiday. Always has been and always will be.

The reverence, humility and feeling of Easter trump the excitement and hooplah of any other, in my book. 

I spent the last week reading Matthew over again and learning as much as I could about crucifixion practice. It blew my mind, but crucifixion for most is only a suffering of a few hours. Gethsemane was the atonement for my sins, for my pains, for my sorrows. 

Religiously, I am not the person I think my parents, friends, family, inlaws, etc. ever thought, expected, or wanted me to be. For me that is ok. I have spent the last three years on a journey of finding out who I am and where I fit into this big picture. 

I do have a testimony of some very important things, however. I have come to know more than ever that Christ lives. God still does hear and listen to prayers and the deep desires of your heart, even if you feel or are made to feel unworthy of that. I know that God has carried me through so many trying times as of late, and I have truly felt his presence in my life.

I believe in a very compassionate and loving God and Savior. In any reading I've ever done, the humility and compassion that is shown to absolutely anyone is so inspiring. Men are not often compassionate. I believe that God truly does "looketh on the heart". He knows our true intentions, who we want to become, sees our potential and ultimately loves us unconditionally either way. I do want to be like my Savior in those ways. Not in any way ritualistic or that I'm unable to find in scripture, but I want to have a love for my family and fellow man like that. His example, peace, and sacrifice can be found everywhere and I am so very grateful for it. I have a peace and comfort in knowing that Christ will know how I loved my spouse and children, worked and labored for them, tried my best to serve, and hopefully lived an honorable life. I can only do my best and I have such a long way to go. Hopefully, I have a lot of years left! 

I love Easter and it hold such a huge meaning and significance for me. Each year it seems to more and more. 

Enough of my rant, now off to more packing and Cadbury Easter egg eating! Happy Easter to all, I hope everyone enjoys such a special and meaningful day, but also enjoys the fun and bliss with their close ones! 

Depression

The recent events of Robin Willliams' passing have urged me to speak out about a huge plague and misunderstood and underrated illness of society. 

I have depression. I have for quite some time. I had always had glimpses of it throughout my childhood, but got by with great family and friends and a fierce sense of optimism. I also was raised thinking that depressed people made choices to feel that way, or they were just some of my crazy family members, and their negative traits were blamed on depression or mental illness. 

It wasn't until I had baby #1, that life began to feel unbearable at times. I had 3-4 panic attacks through the night and  woke up with my heart racing. Baby blues and then post-partum depression continued to get worse. I got pregnant again, when I had a three month old baby in my arms. We moved into our first home and got a little breath of fresh air being on our own, and my sister moved in and gave me a sounding board. I also have the most compassionate husband, who also struggles with feeling undervalued and unimportant at times. That helped get me through the next 9 months.

Baby #2 almost broke me. I started having the panic attacks in the night again, and went to bed crying myself to sleep and woke up shaking in the mornings. I could not handle normal day-to-day stresses and knew that this wasn't normal. I have a hole in my heart and would often pass out for a minute or so, from hyperventilating. I would cry to Marlee and Asher, begging them to forgive me for not being the fun, energetic mom I so desperately wanted to be. 

We went on a trip to Lake Powell, and the carbon monoxide monitors would go off every day or so. I was at such a low at that point, that I literally hoped on everything that I would inhale too much and just not wake up. I was disappointed at waking up alive each morning. HORRIBLE, I know. And in Lake Powell, no kids and having a BLAST... Something was wrong. That was the first glimpse at realizing how scary this illness can be. I had and have always had such a vigor for life and bringing joy to others' lives. Now it had become the opposite.

I decided then to seek help for my depression. Some family knew and most did not. Some cared and some thought I was crazy. Some knew I couldn't control most of it and some thought I was choosing to be this way. Most probably didn't know or still don't know that I have it. It really doesn't matter to me what anyone thought or still thinks, but THANK you to those that have been there through some really hard and dark times. I know I will battle this at times throughout my life, but now I know what it looks like manifested in my own self.

1 year later.

I have been off all medication for 6 months and haven't felt so emotionally stable, patient, sensitive to others, and rational in my entire life. I look forward to playing with my kids and being as productive as I can each and every day. Most of all, I can BREATHE. Like, literally. The last month has been one of the most financially troublesome of our marriage, yet I can think clearly, make great decisions and it doesn't chronically get me down or eat at me.

I am not surprised at many of you reading this being utterly shocked. I, like many that have depression, mask and hide almost everything. I always have a happy face, a laugh, am upbeat, and seem ok. Behind closed doors was and always is a different story for me. If you didn't know, that was the point ;) I didn't need people to feel bad for me, I just needed to get better, to be the person I know is in there. 

The point of this discussion is to hopefully raise some awareness on this illness. It is just that... An ILLNESS. My amazing Dr. described it as an infection or imbalance in the body. If you have strep throat, or a UTI, you don't just ignore it and hope it will go away. If your pancreas doesn't secrete insulin, you supplement it. We can heal and cure our minds just like any part of the body. Depression is not a choice and can be extremely debilitating. 

If you are struggling or wonder if you are, you are NOT alone. There are millions of people just like you! People love you and care about you, even when you can't feel it or see it. I believe that God has felt all pain and heals all pain. 

If you are not struggling with it, please be a little more compassionate and sensitive to those that you know are, or that you suspect are. Our society is losing too many if these frail ones. Death is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. 

Things Come Together

It has been an intense week!

The day care option we had fell through, so we are looking at a few other places this week. I'm not worried, because there are a LOT of great options left. 

We said goodbye to Ike's bro and our sister-in-law, and it was so sad, but I am so happy for the experiences they are about to have; in so many meaningful ways. 

These two found homes! In the last two days... Two amazing families turned up, out of the blue and turned out to be the perfect forever homes for our dogs. They're taking over the pet insurance and  are absolutely perfect. I haven't been as sad as I thought I would be; and that part makes me sad. To be honest though, if anyone lived in my shoes over the last two years, it all would make a little but more sense. My heart does ache 3-4 times a day when Asher bangs on the back door yelling "Ogs!", or I go to the garage to get their food out of habit. 

The last month has also been the most emotional in years, so I literally couldn't cry more than a couple of hours over these two. There are one thousand more happy feelings than any sad feelings; our dogs are getting the very best, and what we can't and have never been able to give them. (Ok, writing that last sentence has me bawling again). Sheesh! Enough already!

Ultimately... Things always come together :) The men upstairs and wonderful people in your life are always looking out for and love you...and that. feels. great.