Becoming "This" Me

Ike and I are coming up quickly on 5 years this year! We took a little staycation this weekend and I have been in a reminiscing mood the entire time. Mountains, clean air, quiet places....go figure.It also might be due to the fact, I am almost off of a migraine medication I've been on for a year, and can now feel a little more like myself. Either way, I love a little self-reflection and don't mind the opportunity.

I want to get better at clearing my head. I don't even really journal that often, so sometimes its best to just let it go here, instead of milling the thoughts over and over in my brain. 

I think about the past 5 years and so many things have changed. 

I have two babies, who are starting to talk more and more, and are teaching me so much about the mother I want to be; the overall person I want to be. They are so kind and compassionate and non-judgemental. I love the constant reminder every day to look at people and situations as they would. 

Both sides of my family have changed immensely. There have been marriages; there have been divorces. Sometimes change is just thrust upon you and you can choose to fight it or embrace it. I have fought a lot of this change; it is hard for me to let people go. It is hard to let family go. It is hard to let family in. This last year was a lot about realizing what and who matters and what and who really don't. Doing what you think is right can only get you so far, and 99% of the time isn't worth your energy, if you aren't a key player. However....doing what you think is right is SO important and shouldn't be taken away from you either. Everyone has a right to feel; to think; to try. I've become very vulnerable and open with some; and very closed-off and cautious with others. I learned that people that really know and love you do so in any situation and see you for who you really are. I am trying really hard to see everyone for their own intentions and not is what projected upon them. My 5-year-ago family was very different and I can't wait to see how the next 5-year-into-the-future family looks. 

I can FINALLY speak my mind. Let's not get crazy here. There are holes in me that hurt. Holes that I think about and the words my mind wants to speak are not kind. Those things I won't share, because that isn't fair and is due to a healing in me that needs to take place. Time someone really does heal all wounds, doesn't it? I can though, finally stand up for myself as much as I have ever felt able to. 

I can finally voice opinions without becoming terrified and insecure. I've learned it's completely ok for two people to disagree and still get along. I've also, sadly learned, that some opinions create wedges between people. I can only still love and hope to be loved back. 

Let me explain why these two previous points are so important. People are shocked to learn I am an extroverted introvert. You can read some humorous examples of what this nonsense even means here. Let me take you on a whirlwind journey! Brace yourself...this is so fast I know. 

 Growing up....I had extreme separation anxiety from my parents and siblings. My parents laugh that I would get dropped off at kindergarten, and then run a block back to my dad's office every freaking day, because I was so terrified to go into the classroom. I cannot remember any of first grade, second grade, third grade. Only one friend, Steph, and my teachers. Fourth grade I was an absolute teacher's pet; a brown-noser to a fault. Ok, maybe every year, all through school. Maybe this explains friend problems. I always had trouble making girlfriends of any kind. I usually just hung out with boys. I remember friends outside of school, or friends in previous ward groups that I would hang out with every day. But school was always a blur. 

Fifth grade I had my first real "boyfriend", whatever that means in fifth grade. I was called "stuffer girl" and had my period at age 11. I was maturing at an awesome rate!!! Junior High is completely fuzzy. I remember friends changing weekly, SO MUCH CHANGE everywhere. Body changes, teacher changes, locker changes. 

I have to ask.....has this happened to anyone else?! Am I the only one with like, elementary/JHS amnesia?! It kind of makes me sick to think about. Half of my life I don't remember and that is so crazy and hard to believe.

High School. FBLA and HOSA leadership, seminary president 3 years in a row; orchestra concertmaster. I go to almost all the football games, have a great network of close friends, and many more acquaintances. I am not sure how I was viewed in HS. I wasn't popular, but had a lot of friends and was probably "nice". I hope that is what people would say. I had a full time job from 16 on, and chose going to BYU solely based on the guy I was in LOVE with at the time. This guy is now married to my sister. Don't worry, my sister knows ;) 

The first 6 months of our marriage were another massive time of self-reflection, many bouts of tears, many times chasing me down the road in the middle of the night, and many times I wanted the poor guy to just give up on me and move forward. He is a rockstar. Truly. He knew these battles beforehand, but still chose to walk this journey of life with me. I feel like we are now more hand-in-hand, mind-in-mind than ever before. I can't imagine feeling more so as time passes with him. 

Now, backtrack to like 6 paragraphs up. SORRY! We are 4 years past this time now and maybe it makes sense why I am grateful to speak up for myself and to do things not for other people, but because they make sense and feel right to me. 

I have learned tolerance. I have friends who are gay, who are straight, who are many different religions, who are politically very different than me. I just want to be their friend. I don't feel like it's anyone's place to shove politics, religion, really anything down anyone's throat, especially if they are adults and are really free to choose to believe whatever they want. I like people that extend the same freedom to me. I think that's what we are mostly on earth for; to choose and to love. 

I feel like the last 3-4 years I have grown, learned and changed just as much as I did during my whole adolescent timeframe. To any youngsters that might read this or have made it this far. Keep your head up, because you can always make it through. People will tell or say mean things to or about you at times, but it's a choice to believe them. 

To any folks my age and above....can you remember your most changing years? The years where you felt you finally came into your own? That you felt real happiness or felt like you weren't trying to be something that you aren't? 

I look at my sisters and I can totally identify a few years of their lives that were epic or life-changing. I know there are many more times like this for all of us. We aren't stagnant as human beings, hearts and minds are always changing. There will always be people that disagree with "you", with your change, but they aren't you :)

He is Risen

Easter is my favorite holiday. Always has been and always will be.

The reverence, humility and feeling of Easter trump the excitement and hooplah of any other, in my book. 

I spent the last week reading Matthew over again and learning as much as I could about crucifixion practice. It blew my mind, but crucifixion for most is only a suffering of a few hours. Gethsemane was the atonement for my sins, for my pains, for my sorrows. 

Religiously, I am not the person I think my parents, friends, family, inlaws, etc. ever thought, expected, or wanted me to be. For me that is ok. I have spent the last three years on a journey of finding out who I am and where I fit into this big picture. 

I do have a testimony of some very important things, however. I have come to know more than ever that Christ lives. God still does hear and listen to prayers and the deep desires of your heart, even if you feel or are made to feel unworthy of that. I know that God has carried me through so many trying times as of late, and I have truly felt his presence in my life.

I believe in a very compassionate and loving God and Savior. In any reading I've ever done, the humility and compassion that is shown to absolutely anyone is so inspiring. Men are not often compassionate. I believe that God truly does "looketh on the heart". He knows our true intentions, who we want to become, sees our potential and ultimately loves us unconditionally either way. I do want to be like my Savior in those ways. Not in any way ritualistic or that I'm unable to find in scripture, but I want to have a love for my family and fellow man like that. His example, peace, and sacrifice can be found everywhere and I am so very grateful for it. I have a peace and comfort in knowing that Christ will know how I loved my spouse and children, worked and labored for them, tried my best to serve, and hopefully lived an honorable life. I can only do my best and I have such a long way to go. Hopefully, I have a lot of years left! 

I love Easter and it hold such a huge meaning and significance for me. Each year it seems to more and more. 

Enough of my rant, now off to more packing and Cadbury Easter egg eating! Happy Easter to all, I hope everyone enjoys such a special and meaningful day, but also enjoys the fun and bliss with their close ones! 

Depression

The recent events of Robin Willliams' passing have urged me to speak out about a huge plague and misunderstood and underrated illness of society. 

I have depression. I have for quite some time. I had always had glimpses of it throughout my childhood, but got by with great family and friends and a fierce sense of optimism. I also was raised thinking that depressed people made choices to feel that way, or they were just some of my crazy family members, and their negative traits were blamed on depression or mental illness. 

It wasn't until I had baby #1, that life began to feel unbearable at times. I had 3-4 panic attacks through the night and  woke up with my heart racing. Baby blues and then post-partum depression continued to get worse. I got pregnant again, when I had a three month old baby in my arms. We moved into our first home and got a little breath of fresh air being on our own, and my sister moved in and gave me a sounding board. I also have the most compassionate husband, who also struggles with feeling undervalued and unimportant at times. That helped get me through the next 9 months.

Baby #2 almost broke me. I started having the panic attacks in the night again, and went to bed crying myself to sleep and woke up shaking in the mornings. I could not handle normal day-to-day stresses and knew that this wasn't normal. I have a hole in my heart and would often pass out for a minute or so, from hyperventilating. I would cry to Marlee and Asher, begging them to forgive me for not being the fun, energetic mom I so desperately wanted to be. 

We went on a trip to Lake Powell, and the carbon monoxide monitors would go off every day or so. I was at such a low at that point, that I literally hoped on everything that I would inhale too much and just not wake up. I was disappointed at waking up alive each morning. HORRIBLE, I know. And in Lake Powell, no kids and having a BLAST... Something was wrong. That was the first glimpse at realizing how scary this illness can be. I had and have always had such a vigor for life and bringing joy to others' lives. Now it had become the opposite.

I decided then to seek help for my depression. Some family knew and most did not. Some cared and some thought I was crazy. Some knew I couldn't control most of it and some thought I was choosing to be this way. Most probably didn't know or still don't know that I have it. It really doesn't matter to me what anyone thought or still thinks, but THANK you to those that have been there through some really hard and dark times. I know I will battle this at times throughout my life, but now I know what it looks like manifested in my own self.

1 year later.

I have been off all medication for 6 months and haven't felt so emotionally stable, patient, sensitive to others, and rational in my entire life. I look forward to playing with my kids and being as productive as I can each and every day. Most of all, I can BREATHE. Like, literally. The last month has been one of the most financially troublesome of our marriage, yet I can think clearly, make great decisions and it doesn't chronically get me down or eat at me.

I am not surprised at many of you reading this being utterly shocked. I, like many that have depression, mask and hide almost everything. I always have a happy face, a laugh, am upbeat, and seem ok. Behind closed doors was and always is a different story for me. If you didn't know, that was the point ;) I didn't need people to feel bad for me, I just needed to get better, to be the person I know is in there. 

The point of this discussion is to hopefully raise some awareness on this illness. It is just that... An ILLNESS. My amazing Dr. described it as an infection or imbalance in the body. If you have strep throat, or a UTI, you don't just ignore it and hope it will go away. If your pancreas doesn't secrete insulin, you supplement it. We can heal and cure our minds just like any part of the body. Depression is not a choice and can be extremely debilitating. 

If you are struggling or wonder if you are, you are NOT alone. There are millions of people just like you! People love you and care about you, even when you can't feel it or see it. I believe that God has felt all pain and heals all pain. 

If you are not struggling with it, please be a little more compassionate and sensitive to those that you know are, or that you suspect are. Our society is losing too many if these frail ones. Death is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.