I'm Doing it For Her

I have to take a second and toot my own horn here. I am REALLY good at setting goals and keeping them. I'm not sure if it was that I grew up as such a perfectionist, had a past of eating disorders, and am really OCD when it comes to a phew things, but if I want to stick with something...I can just do it!

If I want to deep clean my entire house in a day...done. If I want to drop 10 pounds in a couple of weeks...done. If I want to do a cleanse or temporary "feel good" nutrition kick...done. Get up the guts to clean out the moldy leftovers in my fridge(one of my greatest fears by the way)...done.

EXCEPT FOR NAILBITING....duh, duh, duhn. I have tried probably 1,000 times to stop it. I am a complete germaphobe, yet I bite my nails?! Sheesh..I know, disgusting. There are more germs under any of our nails than in the crevices of our derrieres. (If you think I'm joking, take Microbiology lab..YUCK).

I have tried countless things. Wearing mittens, nasty nail polish, tape, rubbing alcohol, bitter apple, journaling my days without biting, etc. The best one was probably 6 months into marriage where I ordered some "polish" on eBay, that was "proven to cure nailbiting". I'm not sure what you think..but when I think of the word "polish" that seems pretty stationary-it dries right?!?! Not this stuff. My ENTIRE BODY was so terrible tasting (lips, face, hands, arms, everything) that I seriously did not eat for 3 days. Isaac was over it too. What a nasty surprise to kiss someone with it on and then have YOUR body taste like turpentine, castor oil, and acetone for the next 3 days. It was bad, that's all I'm saying.

When I was pregnant with Asher, I wanted so badly to stop. I don't want my kids to see me do it all the time and then pick up the habit. If they do on their own, that's ok, but I want no part in the discovery. I tried, but once again, failed.

This year has been fairly difficult for us. We spent nearly all of our money on buying our house, and doing some minor outdoor repairs that went with it. Isaac dropped to part-time working(school is in session) and we have a LOT of medical debt(refer to my previous insurance catastrophe here). Money has definitely not been falling from the sky or growing on trees. Every time we seem to get a little bit saved, it goes to something else. There are a lot of people in our shoes, so I'm not complaining. It actually has been one of life's greatest life lessons and blessings so far. We make our money count, I cook nearly every meal, and we are very fiscally conscious.

We went on a cruise last week. I know what you're thinking..."ummm, what about the paragraph above??". We actually planned it a year and a half ago, when we had more money, were in a better situation, and wait...didn't even have ONE kid yet :) On the cruise, I just had this feeling like the time had come, and I really needed to stop. It was just time. I'm 4 months away from having a sweet little girl, and I don't want her to have the same anxious habits as me. Something just kind of clicked in my brain for the first time(before it had been so superficial, and I hadn't really internalized it). I went immediately to the salon on the ship and got a $90 shellac manicure. YIKES! (I had to spend so much, so that I now will feel SO guilty from a financial standpoint if I fail to meet this goal).

My nails are growing at an alarming rate. It is incredible. The best part is, I have been incredibly stressed since returning home, and haven't had a single urge to bite them. In my major, Exercise Science, we learned so much about mind over matter. That usually is the reason people have habits, tendencies, are overweight, etc. Something inside isn't quite right, and they can't let it go. This isn't true in every case, but is for most. My kid(s), is/are so important to me, and I am obsessed with how much love I have for them and want them to turn out the very best that they can.

I'll keep you updated on quitting this habit. I know...for most of you this seems SO trivial. But for me, this is the hardest challenge I've given myself. For once, I know I can do it.

Two Years; Two Babies

I am REALLY excited/anxious/embarassed posting this, but just need to. I want to preface this post by saying that I've waited this long to say anything to anyone(beside family), because I was waiting for a good time. But there isn't really, for something like this, is there? It should always be a good time ;)

If this post is a complete shock to you, which it probably is, then don't be offended. We haven't really told anyone at ALL.

Asher is going to be a BIG brother :)!

 We found out back in September. It was a COMPLETE accident, and truthfully a one-hit wonder. We still have no idea how this miraculously happened. After all, I just swore I wasn't having another kid for three years!!! popped out a baby boy, 7 MONTHS ago. At first, I was really upset and really confused. How on earth?!

I have a LOT of friends/loved ones that are struggling with infertility. Some of them have struggled REALLY badly and for a REALLY long time. If you want to get a glimpse of what this kind of REAL struggle is....check out one of these blogs too. This isn't the typical "we've been 'trying' off and on/birth control on-and-off-again 'infertility' stories. Those women all will eventually get pregnant, once they settle down into a routine and the timing is right.

These are REAL issues with infertility. The kind that cost thousand of dollars, countless hours of time and pain, come with marriage strain, and let's not even address the heartache.They are incredible women, that have changed my life through their strength. You can find one about continued infertility here, and one about a long journey as well, that has now led to adoption, here.

I have really been struggling with guilt for having this baby. There are people that have trials that I cannot even understand or imagine, and somehow, in one magic shot, we are going to be parents again. Two babies; two years. I am currently a little over 4 months along. They will be 1 year apart.

At first, I was in utter shock, and the timing seemed WAY TOO SOON. I almost wanted something bad to happen, just so we could enjoy one baby, and our family of three for a little longer. That is pretty sick, I know, and I feel extremely sad that I felt that way now.

I then came to the realization, that if this baby is supposed to be here. Against the odds, against birth control, and against laws of reasonable conception time/place, then it is definitely meant to be here.

We have had SO many of our own struggles this year, most dealing with financial issues, religous questioning, and family distraught. I know that we are all given our trials and hardships for a reason, and that ultimately we WILL rise as conqueror to them.

I pray my guts out for any of you that are experiencing infertility hardships, similar situations, or just simply want a baby. I wasn't, and don't feel like I'm read for two. But I know that Little Miss Strong is supposed to be here and that somehow, I WILL be ready.


We can't wait to meet her and love on her as much as we have on our little boy already. Ash is going to be such a sweet and great big brother; the one I always wish I had! Little Miss makes her debut June 1 :)

-D

Ummm...Don't Do That

Today we had a lovely visitor, Lupe, come to take our vitals, blood/urine, and ask us a million questions about our medical history.

Why? Because we are getting life insurance!! Yay :) Really though, I'm super excited. I think, now that I have a kid, and a house, it's really important to have it. I don't want to put a financial burden on ANYONE should something, unlikely, happy to one or both of us.

She takes our weight/height. She asks us about 50 or so questions. Things are going great. She then takes my blood, puts it in the vials and labels them.

Then she asks for a urine sample and I SWEAR she says "fill it up to here" and points at the very top. I go into the bathroom and somehow manage with everything I have, to fill up that little bottle. I come back out, tiptoeing, because it is so close to spilling everywhere.

Lupe gives me a funny look and takes it over the sink and fills up two TINY vials. Then she asks me to dispose of the rest. It's Ike's turn now and she tells him to just fill it up to the very first line(about an inch) and bring it back. At this point I am mortified.

Please, those of you reading, let this be a lesson. For ANY kind of urinalysis, they only need about an inch of pee. Total. If you walk out with a steamy cup full of it. They probably will think you are crazy too.

Anyway...sorry if this is too gross for you, but I had to share. :D