Depression

The recent events of Robin Willliams' passing have urged me to speak out about a huge plague and misunderstood and underrated illness of society. 

I have depression. I have for quite some time. I had always had glimpses of it throughout my childhood, but got by with great family and friends and a fierce sense of optimism. I also was raised thinking that depressed people made choices to feel that way, or they were just some of my crazy family members, and their negative traits were blamed on depression or mental illness. 

It wasn't until I had baby #1, that life began to feel unbearable at times. I had 3-4 panic attacks through the night and  woke up with my heart racing. Baby blues and then post-partum depression continued to get worse. I got pregnant again, when I had a three month old baby in my arms. We moved into our first home and got a little breath of fresh air being on our own, and my sister moved in and gave me a sounding board. I also have the most compassionate husband, who also struggles with feeling undervalued and unimportant at times. That helped get me through the next 9 months.

Baby #2 almost broke me. I started having the panic attacks in the night again, and went to bed crying myself to sleep and woke up shaking in the mornings. I could not handle normal day-to-day stresses and knew that this wasn't normal. I have a hole in my heart and would often pass out for a minute or so, from hyperventilating. I would cry to Marlee and Asher, begging them to forgive me for not being the fun, energetic mom I so desperately wanted to be. 

We went on a trip to Lake Powell, and the carbon monoxide monitors would go off every day or so. I was at such a low at that point, that I literally hoped on everything that I would inhale too much and just not wake up. I was disappointed at waking up alive each morning. HORRIBLE, I know. And in Lake Powell, no kids and having a BLAST... Something was wrong. That was the first glimpse at realizing how scary this illness can be. I had and have always had such a vigor for life and bringing joy to others' lives. Now it had become the opposite.

I decided then to seek help for my depression. Some family knew and most did not. Some cared and some thought I was crazy. Some knew I couldn't control most of it and some thought I was choosing to be this way. Most probably didn't know or still don't know that I have it. It really doesn't matter to me what anyone thought or still thinks, but THANK you to those that have been there through some really hard and dark times. I know I will battle this at times throughout my life, but now I know what it looks like manifested in my own self.

1 year later.

I have been off all medication for 6 months and haven't felt so emotionally stable, patient, sensitive to others, and rational in my entire life. I look forward to playing with my kids and being as productive as I can each and every day. Most of all, I can BREATHE. Like, literally. The last month has been one of the most financially troublesome of our marriage, yet I can think clearly, make great decisions and it doesn't chronically get me down or eat at me.

I am not surprised at many of you reading this being utterly shocked. I, like many that have depression, mask and hide almost everything. I always have a happy face, a laugh, am upbeat, and seem ok. Behind closed doors was and always is a different story for me. If you didn't know, that was the point ;) I didn't need people to feel bad for me, I just needed to get better, to be the person I know is in there. 

The point of this discussion is to hopefully raise some awareness on this illness. It is just that... An ILLNESS. My amazing Dr. described it as an infection or imbalance in the body. If you have strep throat, or a UTI, you don't just ignore it and hope it will go away. If your pancreas doesn't secrete insulin, you supplement it. We can heal and cure our minds just like any part of the body. Depression is not a choice and can be extremely debilitating. 

If you are struggling or wonder if you are, you are NOT alone. There are millions of people just like you! People love you and care about you, even when you can't feel it or see it. I believe that God has felt all pain and heals all pain. 

If you are not struggling with it, please be a little more compassionate and sensitive to those that you know are, or that you suspect are. Our society is losing too many if these frail ones. Death is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.