I want to get better at clearing my head. I don't even really journal that often, so sometimes its best to just let it go here, instead of milling the thoughts over and over in my brain.
I think about the past 5 years and so many things have changed.
I have two babies, who are starting to talk more and more, and are teaching me so much about the mother I want to be; the overall person I want to be. They are so kind and compassionate and non-judgemental. I love the constant reminder every day to look at people and situations as they would.
Both sides of my family have changed immensely. There have been marriages; there have been divorces. Sometimes change is just thrust upon you and you can choose to fight it or embrace it. I have fought a lot of this change; it is hard for me to let people go. It is hard to let family go. It is hard to let family in. This last year was a lot about realizing what and who matters and what and who really don't. Doing what you think is right can only get you so far, and 99% of the time isn't worth your energy, if you aren't a key player. However....doing what you think is right is SO important and shouldn't be taken away from you either. Everyone has a right to feel; to think; to try. I've become very vulnerable and open with some; and very closed-off and cautious with others. I learned that people that really know and love you do so in any situation and see you for who you really are. I am trying really hard to see everyone for their own intentions and not is what projected upon them. My 5-year-ago family was very different and I can't wait to see how the next 5-year-into-the-future family looks.
I can FINALLY speak my mind. Let's not get crazy here. There are holes in me that hurt. Holes that I think about and the words my mind wants to speak are not kind. Those things I won't share, because that isn't fair and is due to a healing in me that needs to take place. Time someone really does heal all wounds, doesn't it? I can though, finally stand up for myself as much as I have ever felt able to.
I can finally voice opinions without becoming terrified and insecure. I've learned it's completely ok for two people to disagree and still get along. I've also, sadly learned, that some opinions create wedges between people. I can only still love and hope to be loved back.
Let me explain why these two previous points are so important. People are shocked to learn I am an extroverted introvert. You can read some humorous examples of what this nonsense even means here. Let me take you on a whirlwind journey! Brace yourself...this is so fast I know.
Growing up....I had extreme separation anxiety from my parents and siblings. My parents laugh that I would get dropped off at kindergarten, and then run a block back to my dad's office every freaking day, because I was so terrified to go into the classroom. I cannot remember any of first grade, second grade, third grade. Only one friend, Steph, and my teachers. Fourth grade I was an absolute teacher's pet; a brown-noser to a fault. Ok, maybe every year, all through school. Maybe this explains friend problems. I always had trouble making girlfriends of any kind. I usually just hung out with boys. I remember friends outside of school, or friends in previous ward groups that I would hang out with every day. But school was always a blur.
Fifth grade I had my first real "boyfriend", whatever that means in fifth grade. I was called "stuffer girl" and had my period at age 11. I was maturing at an awesome rate!!! Junior High is completely fuzzy. I remember friends changing weekly, SO MUCH CHANGE everywhere. Body changes, teacher changes, locker changes.
I have to ask.....has this happened to anyone else?! Am I the only one with like, elementary/JHS amnesia?! It kind of makes me sick to think about. Half of my life I don't remember and that is so crazy and hard to believe.
High School. FBLA and HOSA leadership, seminary president 3 years in a row; orchestra concertmaster. I go to almost all the football games, have a great network of close friends, and many more acquaintances. I am not sure how I was viewed in HS. I wasn't popular, but had a lot of friends and was probably "nice". I hope that is what people would say. I had a full time job from 16 on, and chose going to BYU solely based on the guy I was in LOVE with at the time. This guy is now married to my sister. Don't worry, my sister knows ;)
The first 6 months of our marriage were another massive time of self-reflection, many bouts of tears, many times chasing me down the road in the middle of the night, and many times I wanted the poor guy to just give up on me and move forward. He is a rockstar. Truly. He knew these battles beforehand, but still chose to walk this journey of life with me. I feel like we are now more hand-in-hand, mind-in-mind than ever before. I can't imagine feeling more so as time passes with him.
Now, backtrack to like 6 paragraphs up. SORRY! We are 4 years past this time now and maybe it makes sense why I am grateful to speak up for myself and to do things not for other people, but because they make sense and feel right to me.
I have learned tolerance. I have friends who are gay, who are straight, who are many different religions, who are politically very different than me. I just want to be their friend. I don't feel like it's anyone's place to shove politics, religion, really anything down anyone's throat, especially if they are adults and are really free to choose to believe whatever they want. I like people that extend the same freedom to me. I think that's what we are mostly on earth for; to choose and to love.
I feel like the last 3-4 years I have grown, learned and changed just as much as I did during my whole adolescent timeframe. To any youngsters that might read this or have made it this far. Keep your head up, because you can always make it through. People will tell or say mean things to or about you at times, but it's a choice to believe them.
To any folks my age and above....can you remember your most changing years? The years where you felt you finally came into your own? That you felt real happiness or felt like you weren't trying to be something that you aren't?
I look at my sisters and I can totally identify a few years of their lives that were epic or life-changing. I know there are many more times like this for all of us. We aren't stagnant as human beings, hearts and minds are always changing. There will always be people that disagree with "you", with your change, but they aren't you :)
